and it's like i'll never get rid off you, when/if we end this for real. my friends are your friends. and i know i can't handle that. because things have their own place. and i believe that.

when your voice slowly fills, the room with all the others, that's my cue to leave for i can't live with them and you together. Things have to find their rightful place. and mine is not clearly in the middle..

When i talked to you, your words seemed to fall, from where your pride is.You're the person again when i first met you. Back to square one, it seems. Every thing that you've learned, everything you've gathered seems wasted. And i hope when i talk to you, tell me what you really want. because a bullet to the head is better than a slow torture. but yeah, i vowed. i'll get you back. someway, somehow.

matthew: hey second bestfriend
jani: HAHA 
jani: sana it doesn't rain so hard tomorrow
matthew: i feel sad
jani:  wanna talk about it? :/
matthew: yes
matthew: i need to
matthew: or else i feel like i'm gonna break down anytime soon
matthew: so here goes
matthew: dont say anything first okay
matthew: cause see
matthew: I was the one who broke it off
matthew: it was the first time
matthew: i did that
jani: ohhhh...kala ko si monique kaya you don't wanna talk about it @_@
jani: not even kay elisha?
matthew: i did
matthew: wait
matthew: listen first
matthew: to monique
matthew: compared to all the break ups when she ended it, this was the only time that i hurt
matthew: for real
matthew: cause that's why i never break up e
matthew: cause i know it's really true
matthew: and because i think logically
matthew: and because i believe in logic above all else
matthew: so
matthew: i broke up with her
matthew: you know why?
matthew: it's because
jani: so...mind over heart?
matthew: at times
matthew: so anyway, listen first
matthew: so
jani: OK, sorry
matthew: it was because she's never happy with me anymore
matthew: she always cries
matthew: and she;s too into me already
matthew: like i KNOW she's put everything into this already
matthew: but i keep hurting her
matthew: i'm the reason for her tears
matthew: and i really hate it when that happens
matthew: so i ended it
matthew: and
matthew: i thought that my intention was Noble
matthew: because
matthew: i did it to save her
matthew: because i know i can never change
matthew: and i know that i'm like this
matthew: so there
matthew: but now,
matthew: i think that i wanted it to be noble
matthew: and at the same time i think that
matthew: it was right
matthew: i was right
matthew: she deserves more
matthew: more than me,
matthew: even though i am in love with her, with no doubts
matthew: i've never hurt this much
matthew: before
matthew: and i used to think myself as someone who
matthew: s
matthew: tough
matthew: but really underneath the words and smiles, i'm nothing
matthew: nothing but a sad little child, who thinks that he's done the right thing
matthew: there
matthew: okay that felt good
matthew:
matthew: *
jani:
jani: did you tell her this?
matthew: no
matthew: how can i
matthew:
jani: no, tell her the part na you don't want her to get hurt anymore
jani: but she might find that completely BS
matthew: yeah
jani is typing a message.
jani: cause maybe she doesn't understand right now :/
matthew: i know
matthew: but it's true

You're my impossible now. Impossible for all senses, to see, to feel, to hear, to taste and to smell, smelly. You, like the others are done. Done. Done. I miss you already. Now. Later. Forever. It's hard. Hardest thing ever. But unlike yours, my reasons are noble. For you, my one, my true. Or at least you used to be. I should be happy now, that you're not with me anymore (which is totally the opposite from what i am feeling now) cause I'm like a knife cutting your wrists to the point that you're all drained out, nothing left. Dont be stupid, dont fight for me anymore. This is your way out, your sanctuary is not with me. But my heart will always be yours. And scientifically and logically, a man with no heart won't live. So i'm dead now. Dead. And I believe in Science and Logic above all else.

Goodbye, make good, be good. I wish i could cry back all your tears, tears you wasted on me. But instead, "I'm sorry and I Love you", will, i hope, work. Like how it always does. Or at least how it used to work.

And then silence begins to fill the room. Finding it's way, delicately to one such as me.

 you're the the cardboard piece under my wobly chair that makes it even.You're there all day and night, my seven eleven.  you're that piece of gum under the chair that i can't get out cause it's already in my hair. you're the smell of fart that doesn't want to go away, you're the the price of gas that rises ever single day. you're the money that makes my wallet fat, you're the car that ran over my cat. you're the smoke of a cigarette, that when i smoke it i always say "no regrets". you're the piece of meat stuck in between my teeth that i'll never get out. you're the ewwww sweat that covers my body, you're the stars that shine in my galaxy. you're the rose thorn that pricked my thumbs, you're the 55% alcohol in my bottle of rum. you're the fat of the adobo, the sauce of my kare-kare, peanut buttery goodness, alright pare ;) you're the seeds of the kalamansi, stuck in the middle, you're love grows bigger little by little. you're my doctor do little, you're the peanuts in my  favorite super yummy peanut brittle. you're the white sand in boracay in between  my toes, you're every petal of every red rose. you're my life now, i hope that you'll always know. i love you like how carabao grass grows.

And knowing that you'll always, always love me, means you'll be the tombstone in my cemetery.

I wish to be God because it's him that wishes find their way to Coming True but wishes fly endlessly, never knowing where they;ll go or when they'll stop, if they stop. They never reach their destination. So, wishes never come true. And that is the truth that escapes past lips of those who want to disprove my theory.

I wish to be Santa because it's him who gives joy but only for a certain time of the year. He reaches in deep, bringing out whatever it takes to make smiles a reality. I wish I could be Santa and make you happy even for once in your life because I always seem to do the opposite and make you miserable like me.

And no one's as miserable as me.

It's how you get me, all wrapped up (secretly distracting everything else) in you. I know nothing else. It's how you get me, undermanned (feeling all alone in this rut) and it's how you get me overrated (wishfully thinking that you're mine forever). It's how you get me wishing (wishing to be God so that everything we dreamed of together would go according to plan) all the time that forever existed. It's how you get me seeing (the capacity of love a person can have) again that God cares about me because, He gave me you. 


But in the end, it's not how you get me wrapped up, undermanned, overrated, wishing or seeing. It's how you GOT me (because that in itself is an all access pass to the thing that is reserved only for you).

This heart has happen to fall upon something that no other can ever imagine. It's when lips touch-assurance or when hands grasp-remembrance. It's the way our eyes meet to compliance that our hearts form this new alliance.

Our words are no longer myth because our actions give proof that love is not a myth. And we live in this world of ours that is unknown because it is ours. And no one can take that away from us. We've built this armor around ourselves and i say that it will never be broken. Because every battle we win makes us better and stronger at this. And you, are part of my life already. Know that, feel that. And when you break us into a thousand pieces, I will always always build us up back single-handedly. Know that. And because I love you so, You are my life now, for always and for ever. And with my life, comes my heart. It's yours now too. Please, keep it well because it has been lost many times before, keep it well.

and when it finally starts to sink in that things will never be the same again. "Hope is for sissies" he lets go from his cigarette dried lips. He walks into those narrow corridors and bickers to himself that the day has ended again. He's stuck in the same rut he's been in for months, but this time, it seems like a prison cell of yale locks and narrow street lights. He continuously drags his feet, like he always does, and between the steps and the trips, he finds time to kick in a spot of thought.. is this really for real?

And it's how it was supposed to be, or not.. Well we've treaded along this path for quite sometime now but i feel that we're going nowhere. One taste of you leaving was all it took to make me realize that I, will never be enough to make you the slightest bit happy. And with all truth on my side, you made me happy. Even for just a short while.

your voice is slowly becoming unfamiliar.. and your words are still there but i barely understand.

Dig in on your miseries and insecurities while I beg my own thoughts to pride themselves on what they already know. See, the way you handle yourself, in that manner, really is getting the worst of me. And every time you see me, I'll show you my best because lying is my best disguise. And no one can ever be good at it quite as me.

Let me just say: He spends the night in the disguise of his own misery, thinking and thinking whether he is to trust someone again.

And when you do it like they do, will you be the same? You dress yourself in the same covers to conceal your mysteries, like they did. Your touch sends me back, way back. You stun me and when I am past the disappointment, past the insecurities, all I want is you next to me. You're a cheat. A cheat in the strictest sense. I can never get mad at you. You, like all of them, can make me or break me ( or break me even more because i, myself, am broken already) but when you break me, i build myself back up to see you once again. You're the architect that makes me who I am now. You make me want to say those words again. Those words that killed me before. How can three words kill? Well, I think when you say them (or if you will at all) I'll be broken no more. Your voice heals me, down to the past and all the way to the future. You are my future (well that's what I hope). I will never have the nerve to end this engagement. Only you have right to do that. So here I am, waiting and hoping for the best.

(And when you do it like they do, will you be the same?)
You're like no other. I know this will be different, I know you're different. When they ask me why I like you, all I can do is smile. I guess that's why I do like you. You make me smile like no other.

You're like nothing my eyes have ever seen, or nothing like my mind can dream. You're fail-proof, just like how your eyes have their mysteries, my constant. You pattern yourself to change, in my behalf, selflessly, like how I would picture you, innocent, asleep. And when pain clouds my worlds, you don't stop it, instead you let it be, for me to know that i am alive, unlike others who think that it's unnecessary. Necessary evils. You on the other hand are opposite them, porcelain. I get you, without any hesitation you get my best side, all the time, no need for request cause you can bet, that it's my best you'll get. I have this armor around me, that no one can get past (i clothe the entirety of my being) but you (being the one who holds me) are the only one who can get past it.

i understand you. even when people are ready to throw the blame on you, you'll always have someone on your side, love.

These eyes mark the shape of reason. And to deprive Destiny a chance to do its damage again, my voice retires. Never saying what is meant to be said because everything meant to be said has fallen on your deaf ears. Listen, for once, please. For your sake.

And what is meant to be said can be summed in three (already vague) words. Just listen, for once, please.

Please don't. You're the only salvation this heart has. If you go, I go and we don't want that to happen.

To what do we owe the roses? In the spring's midst, petals elope with the air, to open up closed things. Filling fields with beautifil waves of red; ultimately expanding as far as eyes go, as far as minds dream, only to be pulled out of existence for other's sake. For others to feel the magic of roses; spring's air choking us, gently, giving life; a composition of heaven, detailed, deep and dazzling.

For when men yield the magic of roses, they bloom. They bloom, opening up hearts, so magically, to open up closed things. So intricately unmasking tiny specs of a detailed side; the eyes hide wonders. For which wonders kept so selfishly from the world, only appear to those, who from which roses are given. To touch its splendor means, life, done, dead. Roses wilt, giving only a temporary joy. Opening up closed things for only seconds. And then... closed things remain closed, until someone opens them up once more.

This damn cycle.

For what do we owe the roses? Nothing.

When all is still, with nothing but silence to overcome the emptiness, our eyes are opened. We see things that could only be seen in the dark

and


When all is still, nothing can come in between the lines you have set, for yourself on the day you died. Our hearts are covered with tears of a hundred mourning years.

and


When all is still, your sun rises West and sets South, just like how everything in your mind plays back, in Time's chain, not to be released until Morning gives you its awakening breath.

but,


When someone moves you, it is like no other. Your empty spaces are filled up with voices to keep you safe, just when you need it most, or just when you need spaces to be filled up.

and


When someone moves you, they hold you in your arms till forever. Even if their forever's an ending one, their presence already feels like everything you've ever wanted, gained, lost, achieved, felt. You come to a stand still and all is lost, in their voice, in their eyes, in their touch.


and
Lastly,

When someone moves you, it feels like the start of summer. Your sun sets a blaze, in your heart, on your mind, and everything that sets South and everything that rises West, comes back to a realization that you have found what was lost and everything you've ever wanted, comes in the shape of her.

When inconsistency has become sullen with one flicker, and what once was lost is now about to come in to perfect sense with what is now found, then all i can say, is that all is well.

We all think we are too young, to experience, death's touch. Well, no one is safe.